Me & God on a Mountain…Chasing Peniel

The thought of taking a sabbatical to rest in, and listen to, the Lord was a lot easier when I wasn’t staring down the barrel of it. I’m 48 hours away from getting in a car and driving somewhere just North of the middle-of-nowhere and I’m scared to death at the thought of being alone with myself.

If I’m being entirely honest, it’s God I am afraid to be alone with.

It’s complicated.

For many years, I’ve heard people talk about wanting to take a sabbatical. The funny thing is, pretty much no one I’ve spoken with has actually done it. Admittedly, It does feel a bit selfish. In my 25 years since becoming a Christian I have spent most of my spare time getting projects done, with my family, serving others in some way or just simply being lazy. Very seldom have I been by myself without some project to work on. I must confess that the thought of isolating myself and removing all distractions makes me feel extremely vulnerable. I never realized how much I’ve been hiding behind being busy. I’ve made it an idol in my life. Last year I realized the Lord was prompting me to take a sabbatical.

“Take your rest.”

This is the phrase I came back to time and again. While I’ve been anticipating this time for quite a while I find myself struggling with expectations. Scripture reminds me that intimacy with God can look a few different ways.

Wrestling with God

In the account of Jacob found in Genesis 32 we see him intentionally remove himself from all distractions. Soon after, he found himself alone and wrestling through the night with a man who many Bible scholars believe to be Jesus, preincarnate. They wrestled for quite some time and Jacob refused to let go until the man blessed him. The story ends with the man giving Jacob a new name, Israel, and subsequently blessing him.

“So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.” Genesis 32:30

The only time I ever approached my own, personal ‘Peniel’ was atop a lush, tropical mountain in Hawaii. I was alone on a 10 day business trip when the opportunity to join a group of a men on a spiritual retreat presented itself. I don’t remember much about what was taught over those 2 days but I distinctly remember feeling the presence of God in that forest. It was so thick and tangible a thing that behaved much like the White Stag in Narnia novels. So I started walking like a madman. I refused to let go until I knew what it was God was trying to communicate to me.

The thing is, God remained silent that day and my efforts, even after all these years, seemed to be in vain. All pursuit…No epiphany. I’ve always felt as if I abandoned “my blessing” on a Kahului mountainside and I’m afraid to be disappointed again.

Of course, there are many other instances in Scripture of folks getting alone with God and not having their hip dislocated by The Lord. I suppose, in its purest form one’s quiet time with the Lord each day is a sort of sabbatical. As my trip approaches I decided to look into Scripture to help in preparing myself for the days ahead. These are the desires of my heart:

• I yearn to simply know what it is to be still and know that He is God. Psalm 46:10
• I have been weary and burdened. He promises to give me rest. Matthew 11:28–30
• When Jesus noticed the disciples were overworked and not eating he ministered to them with the promise of rest, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” Mark 6:31
• I want to immerse myself in God’s Word and entirely lose track of time like I did many years ago.

I suppose it’s the ‘not knowing’ of it all that intimidates me the most. I find myself continually placing my need for a schedule on the altar. Rather than in a schedule I have decided to rest in who I know God to be.

I am confident that when I reach those North Carolina mountains I will not be met by an annoyed Father chastising me for being so distant for so long. No, I am entirely confident that I will rest in, and delight in, and soak in the Goodness of God as he says to me, “Oh, my child! I’m so glad you’ve come. I’ve missed you so much! Come, take your rest.”